It reminds the reader that the characters have led happy, peaceful lives up until this point, but now suddenly everything they have ever known has changed. I thought the visual of everyone collapsing under the oak tree was very impactful, especially in regards to the contrast between the current situation and the memory of how they “hung out in seasons past” at that location. For the rest of the passage, I don’t have anything much to critique. I’ve lost my parents- I’ve lost everything!” However, if this doesn’t really match your writing style, that’s fine it’s already plenty emotionally hard-hitting as it is. He’d lost his parents, he’d lost everything” emphasized the emotions he was feeling, but it might be even more effective if his thoughts were relayed directly in first-person: “There’ll be nothing left. Relatedly, I really liked the point of view presented by Jude’s character when he is feeling overwhelmed by trying to process what is happening. Then, stick to that POV, describing everything going on through his eyes and thoughts, as you do in the latter two-thirds of the passage. You might want to introduce him earlier on as the character through which the story is viewed, even in the first paragraph. It felt a little odd to transfer from what felt more like an omniscient narrator to what was definitely a subjective one. I think the main thing that threw me off about this passage was that it wasn’t immediately clear that Jude’s point of view was the main perspective being focused on. Other than that, everything is nicely worded and the pacing is alright. You could add more description to the characters’ first few lines of dialogue, though, as the word “said” was used three times in a row. It does a good job at capturing the fear present in this desperate situation. Overall, however, I think the passage flowed very nicely, and it was well-written! July 11: For ( ) I doubt I’m as good as ChatGPT when it comes to critiquing, but I’ll give it a go- xD My first impression was that it was very descriptive, and I liked the way you set the scene by highlighting details such as the light from the fires, the smell of rotten flesh, and the tears welling up in Jude’s eyes. ![]() I will tell them my story,” but later, you said, “The human’s face glistened with tears, their eyes filled with a deep understanding.” It jumps from present tense to past tense, when the past tense should only be used for when Tane Mahuta is describing past events, not for when he’s talking about the human that he is currently speaking to. The biggest technical error I noticed was that the tense wasn’t consistent- at one point, you said “This one seems to be listening. I think you did a really good job of establishing Tane Mahuta’s point of view: his past experiences, current mindset, and goals for the future, as well as how all of those things are connected. ![]() Other than that, I really liked the story that was built up- quite a bit of world-building history revealed in a relatively short amount of time. If “you” are supposed to be a human, it would probably make sense for Tane Mahuta to bring up that “you” are the same species as the humans he referenced in his story, and then that would provide a basis for him telling “you” to “bow to my might” in the beginning. Therefore, it is uncertain what purpose “you” are supposed to serve in this story. Tane Mahuta speaks to “you” as someone who perhaps questions his power, who thinks themselves to be “brave and clever,” but is “nothing but a pawn.” After that, though, “you” are never mentioned nor directly spoken to again, not even at the end, after Tane Mahuta finishes telling his story. However, it was somewhat unclear how the reader (or reader-insert, anyway) is supposed to be involved in the world being described. ![]() CRITIQUE POST (idk might format this better later) July 10: For ( ) I like the concept of this one! It started off very nicely the repetition used in the introduction, and then throughout the rest of the piece, did a good job of establishing the voice of Tane Mahuta as a character.
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